How am i?
Not that often i visit this page,
Im just here when there is a thing that i cant tell anyone,
How i feel lately?
Hmm…. Boredom life, i already kinda give up everything..
Some people hurt me,
Some look me in the other ways
Thats what happened to me
Who care right, im just me
When someone really hurt me.. It hurt that i cant express into words , but what i do is just stay away from that person, and eventually i got nothing anymore to talk to the person, and eventually i left them live their ways, coz i dont want rely on people anymore..
I.. isolate myself, so.. Nobody can hurt me, i will look strong, and no one will know what inside of me.
I always looks at things in a negative way, people think im such a narrow minded, and yes i know i am
Im not the only person who is suffering, and im not the worst one, but i look at my life as shit..
I know.. Coz i expected too much with living.. , always a dreamer, then there was hope.., but that all it ever been, nothing come true,
Im not crying anymore about that person, i think im ok.., but i still dont know how do i start this over again„
I cant go back…
I just have to fix myself„
But im not open to people
Or i just dont want to accept love anymore
It always hurting me since i ever find it
I now become afraid of it,
Coz i know it will hurt me again
It’s me Trin, I just want to tell you something, something that was left unsaid long ago, something that I did not have a chance to tell you in person,
maybe I have been telling myself the thing that i was supposed to tell you over and over again.
I’m still living with the past, I found myself never move on, and I finally realise that maybe it’s because I didn’t tell you this before you left
when we were in F3, we were very friendly, I really felt happy to be your friend, I like you as a friend because in my mind, i thought you would never like me, you were very cute and i see myself as the ugly one :P , and at the time, i was crazy about someone else who i just met, but we were never been into relationship,
I remember you ask me to call you to wake you to Saturday class, you know, at the time, I didn’t really think that you crushed on me,
I start to realize that you liked me when Angela once told me, she asked me to promise not to bring it back. and I promised her that, but at the end, it was myself who messed up everything, I feel sorry for that,
at the time i know that from Angela, I can’t believe it, I feel surprised, I soon realise that you were always there for me,
after that, all you did was ignoring me, although i ‘ve try to be the person that we met in F3. but it was really too late, wasn’t it? :P
I feel guilty about breaking up your relationship between you and Angela, and yet the more i was trying, the more you hated me,
The day you hold me to get lunch together after Saturday class…, I did leave you, i still remember that, and i feel sorry for how blind i was to rejecting that.
you know Jieun, the day you ask me to come to class on Saturday and you ask me to promise you with a pinky finger,… i still remember that too, Nobody ever have done that to me before, i was so shy… and you too. I wish I could really go back to those day, i want to get that feeling again
you know, you were really the first person that I ever bought a bracelet for. i’m a super shy person and i ‘ve never done anything like that for your B-day too.
I know i was trying hard that i ask other people to help me to get along with you, but it seems you were very annoyed by me doing that,
we used to say “bye” when we left the school where you were waiting the bus, but after all that, you no longer say bye when you left
I once saw you cry in the class, you were silence.. with tears and i…didn’t know why, was it because of me? , or I don’t know if you still remember it,
have I…been hurting you that much and you hated me that much.., how hard was it to let someone go and we move on?
on the Prom day, you look so beautiful, and i was the one who look so terrible, i was totally ignored,
i knew it was the last day that maybe i could have tell you how i feel, but i never really get to say,
you were so happy with your friends and have a great time, I left the dinner soon after it start. seeing you were so happy and i was so pathetic, it hurt me so bad, I left and keep walking around 4-5 hours until midnight to wherever the road took me to, it was one of the saddest day in my life, hehe,
sometime, it’s funny to think ,
what if I never know that you liked me, I could just have been a friend with you, then we eventually will become stranger at the time we left school,
i could have been the one who hurt you, then i would never feel anything with regret for letting you go, instead… in the end, I’m the one to blamed
i could have been another person than who i am today, or maybe this is just what it meant to be,
there was a time, i deeply know that you liked me, but i told myself that i can’t do that, because at that time, i have a feeling for other person, that must have hurt you too…
I don’t know how long it has been since you left here, but I was not change since then. I think you are the person who bring me back to who I should be.
i still keep your B-day photo in my wallet until today,
i don’t know why i have fallen for you so much until now, maybe it was because you were the first person that actually liked me and i’ve never realise that before, how long has it been, 7 years?, i ‘ve tried to forget, and i truly know that you and I can’t really be, i always have stupid thoughts, thinking that maybe i could meet you again someday, but i know, it will never be,
I wish i know how you felt or any words you could have told me,
people always moving on, find the next chapter of their life when they get older, I always keep this to myself, when i think of it, sometime i tears up, thinking why i’m so pathetic. why I refuse to move on, I always have a thought of you everyday, then regretting that I was not able to realised that once you liked me,
i try to get over it, find some hobbys to do, like photography & aquarium, it helps me to forget many things in life, then it take a while to realise that I’m just here with myself, i’m still a nobody,
i also want to get a cat, so i don’t feel as much as lonely it taking me into, i’m super lame, am i? :/ i want the cat to be just like yours~~ XP
i’m just telling you, it’s the first and last time that i will ever tell you this, since it was left untold from the past, it won’t change anything, but i need you to know, maybe after this confession, i will be able to move on, i don’t need to remind myself of what i could have told you long ago.
at the time you read this, it may be a kinda trash or nonsense memory now, all i want to do, is to tell you how i feel, and something that I had never tell you, it’s ok if you don’t consider me as a friend or anything anymore, you already moving on,
can i just die already.. i regret almost everything of me that being, such pathetic, things never go the way we want, sometime i just start to cry out of stress, seems like i no longer have reason to be here somehow, seems like i regret everything even though i know i’m not the only one who feel this way, but i’m the only one who is facing my own world,